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Ok, here we are. It's weekly catch up, and I'm absolutely burned out.
Evidently, I haven't been Blogging anywhere as much as I'd like since the arrival Christmas, but I hate to leave my precious online-diary (that's what these are folks - face the music) neglected. I don't even know where to begin to cover the last three weeks, but I'll do my best. It goes a little like this:
Hair:
My hair's longer than it has ever been before in my life.
HotorNot:
I once had a total of 17 double-match girls on HotOrNot.com and am currently speaking with five of them. Oddly enough, three of the five happen to be a great distance away from where I live. Whilst one of them lives in Vancouver (Mandie), the other four live in Calgary (Sarah - yes, that Sarah), two in Burnaby (Wai-Lee & Kendra) and one in Taiwan (Tiffany)
I recently got back in touch with Sarah -it's a long story - and have been talking to her about the possibility of flying into Calgary so that we can meet-up. Meanwhile, the messages between the two of us have gotten quite personal - not in regards to private life, but sexually. Not online-sex per se, but a definite tension. That's all I'm going to say.
Another girl who I just recently met on the site is one named "Wai-Lee". Thus far, we've only exchanged one email with each other, but let me tell you - big wow! I reckon she's one helluva of a girl. As she pointed out, she was stuck dumb by the fact that I not only had an IQ above ".5", but had something to say.
And the girl in Taiwan.... is just brilliant. She's not only very expressive, but artistic.
Meanwhile, Kendra's a Christian and Mandie is a complete video-game freak. They are all very different from each other, and I can't wait to talk to each one of them again.
Music:
Hmm, where are we here... Oh yeah, Rush and Porcupine Tree. 'Nuff said.
AutoSavant:
Just finished writing a new automotive article for AS, and having taken a long writing-break, it was an absolute pain to write. Took what seemed like forever.
Facebook:
I'm afraid to admit it, but I'm addicted to FB. I've been wasting countless numbers of hours on this site, and it's only getting more addictive as time passes. Not only have I've since long accepted my mother's invitation to be added as a friend, but we've exchanged a few emails - nothing of real importance - just a simple "Hi, how are you doing" kind of thing. Thankfully though, in contacting her, I've gotten her to post some old photos of myself (unknown age)
Oh, and I got my father to join Facebook too... (he's already addicted)
Miscellaneous:
I'm still looking to sort of my education, but my transcripts from Alberta have not yet arrived. It's taking a long fucking time. I suppose I'd better give them a call as I would not be the least bit surprised if one of those goverment hacks lost my request.
Over and out.
Ahh, alright... I'm starting to get fed up with this whole thing with Jocelyn.
As I've already explained, our plan to meet this at the Vancouver Aquarium this this past Wednesday was foiled when her son became ill with a stomach flu. Now, I hadn't any reason to doubt what she was saying and naturally, was understanding of her position. Her child is the most important thing in her life; I wouldn't expect any less from a good mother.
But soon after that incident, things started to get dicey. With each and every email exchange not only has it taken her longer and longer to respond, but her responses are often short and sure to avoid questions that I've asked.
My original assumption was she was perhaps shy, or just extremely casual... That being said, I decided I'd take the leap of death and give her a call (she previously gave me her cell number) on Friday. Do you know how hard it was to get the nerve to call? I'm an extremely shy individual and absolutely dred talking to people I don't know. Yet despite that, I decided to overcome my fear and just give her a call.
I called her four times - twice in the morning (a few minutes apart) and twice (yet again minutes apart) some four hours later. On the my last phone call, I decided that I'd leave a message... My aim - casual & collected, and that's exactly what I did. I asked her that if Brandon was feeling better if she'd like to try to meet at the aquarium some time over the weekend. I wasn't pushy, nor intimidating on the subject, just casual.
From thereon, I waited to hear back from her and at 6:00pm, she responded (via Facebook, not a phone call mind you). But when she responded back on Facebook, she said that Brandon (her son) had been at her Grandma's house all day as she had managed to catch the little guy's stomach flu. But yet again, she never really answered my question. Then again, she never really seems to... ^_^
Nor does she seem all that interested in what interests me...
It really would appear that she's trying to avoid me - which begs the question, why the hell did she click "yes" to meet on HotOrNot.com? Is she not interested in me? Is she afraid to meet me? Is she afraid of having her heart broken?
Suffice to say, I'm entirely confused about the whole thing. That being said, I decided to message her back last night and simply ask her if she's even interested in me because I was starting to gather the impression that she wasn't. Risky gamble? Well,there's nothing to lose... I did however, write the message in a very civilzed and understanding manor. I asked if her if that which I believed was indeed true, then she should tell me the truth. If she doesn't want to meet me, then fine. I'll undoubtedly be disappointed, but I'll definitely be better of because this whole cat and mouse game has been driving me through the roof.
Haven't heard back from her yet, and hell, she might not even respond... But at this point, I cannot sit here wondering what hell she's thinking. At this point, the ball is in her park. I did (nor said) nothing wrong. I shall pursue her no more.
Or am I overreacting? Could I be entirely wrong? Did I blow it? Is this because Christmas is a week away? Who the fuck knows.
Quite frankly, I'm more mad at myself than anything; mad at myself for getting emotionally attached with little to go on to begin with. I spent more than a week thinking about this girl. Firstly asking the nerve to ask her out - then worrying what the actual meeting would be like - then wondering how the date it's self would both begin and end - then hoping her son was ok - and all of which followed. Why do I do this? Because I like to punish myself? In a way, yes. As I've mentioned several times before, I am a hopeless romantic. I never seem to learn, but then I suppose I cannot change the way I am.
If she responds back and proves me wrong, well then, hell yeah. I'll go out with her in a second. Until that time, I've done my best.
Lyric excerpts from this superb song from Rush's 1993 "Counterparts" album. I bring these lyrics to life as tribute to a special girl:
"We don't have to talk
We don't even have to touch
I can feel your presence
In the silence that we share
Got to keep moving
At the speed of love
Nothing changes faster
Than the speed of love
Got to keep on shining
At the speed of love
Nothing changes faster
Than the speed of love"
Yeh... Don't worry, I won't make too many more of these "sappy" posts.
Suffice to say, Sarah and I have had numerous more correspondences since my last blog post pertaining to the subject, and they're always amazing. Her messages never fail to bring a smile to my face. I feel so happy. I find myself clicking my email open 5,000 times a day, eagerly awaiting her response of course. And in that moment, I can truly see the strength of love (or what is seemingly so). Everything else in your mind just fades; things that were once bothering (or bothered) you fade away like dust in a storm.
We've gotten personal as we're now revealing secrets and telling our various life experiences.
I told her that I wished that I like in Kamloops or Calgary (or that she lived in Vancouver) so that we could meet. And her response to that was:
Sarah:
I wish i lived in Vancouver or somewhere closer to you id really love to meet you one day you seem like an amazing guy.
Of course, after she said that, I said the exact same thing about her; essentially, I more or less told her how much I liked her. She's just a fantastic person.
As her email went to a close, I had the slight feeling that - as it had for me before - reality had set in. We live so far away from each other. We'll never get the chance to really get to know each other despite our great connection.
Naturally, I do realize that this isn't the end of the world. I haven't any doubts that I'll meet another girl who I connect with. But until that time, the great distance between us (and the personality connection) is surely leaving me with a degree of heart-ache.
Sarah (see here if you haven't a clue as to what I'm talking about) not only think it's "adorable" that I shower in the pitch dark (yeh, it's a long story), but has started to call me "hunny". Ahhh!
Moreover, our conversations have undoubtedly gotten deeper. More personal, and even a little more flirty. And the similarities between us continue - like me, she doesn't drink or smoke.
It's starting to kill me.... I'M starting to get far too hyped about this whole thing.
In the meantime, here's new photo of her.
Now tell me: does she not looking amazing? Love is in the air.
Oh no, It's happened. I think I've fallen head over heels for a girl on HotorNot.com. I kid you not.
But before I breach on the subject, allow me to say that within a little over a week and and two days of joining for the website's "Meet Me" application, I have already managed to achieve no less than 6 doubles matches. Of the six, only two of them I accepted to meet first; the other four accepted to meet me before I even clicked them...
Mind you, that's only the double matches. They were a couple of others that I clicked no to. But by and large, the girls are coming my way - not the other way around. And I'm greatly surprised by that, especially as some of these girls are just gorgeous. One of the girls by the way, is the girl in the second picture with pink hair and glasses in this particular post.
Though, thus far I've only had the chance to speak with two of them. The first of which lived in Abbotsford and had 3 month old daughter. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Because I was thinking it too. Worse yet, she just got out of that relationship that left her with the baby a week prior to talking with me.
The problem however, was not the fact that she had a baby (although, I'm not aiming for a relationship as such), but more the fact that she was about as interesting as a stone. No personality whatsoever!
But anyways, I had clicked "yes" to this beautiful girl named "Sarah" who was apparently living somewhere in British Columbia, and suffice to say, she clicked "yes" to me. And ever since that, we've been emailing each other back and forth(totaling several times now).
Obviously we haven't met each other in the flesh, but her personality is amazing. When we first started talking, she said that she had been looking for a boyfriend and clicked "yes" to me as she notably saw that we shared a great deal of the same interests.
After our emails, I have come to the conclusion she is not only the type of girl that I'd want to date, but marry... *shocking*. All-around, she's just incredible. Sassy, interesting, fun and undoubtedly intelligent. Our view points/interests are sookly similar: she admits to being insecure; she's a hopeless romantic; she likes the same television shows as I do; she likes the same movies as I do; she doesn't like new age music; she's an agnostic and she doesn't like big cities as she admits to being a small town kind of girl. The similarities between us are seemingly endless.
And she loves to help people, has been to poverty stricken nations such as Iraq, Africa and Pakistan and is currently going to college to become a Psychiatrist.
There is however, one problem and it's a big one. She currently lives in Calgary, and is moving back to Kamloops... When she told me that, I felt as if I had been gutted like a fish and as our discussions get deeper and deeper, I feel that every bit more gutted. Needless to say, Kamloops is not in Vancouver... It's more than an hours drive away!
And yes... Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but had you the same conversation that I've had with her, you'd be thinking the same. Ehh, I dunno what to say other than the fact I really like her. The sooner I realize that she'll be living in Kamloops and out of reach, the better I'll be. :(
And yes, before you ask, I do have a few pictures of her. Though I'll only post two...
Yes, the pictures are webcam quality (in other words, rubbish), but I've seen enough. I'm convinced.
Got the opportunity to watch this film over the weekend and to keep it simple and short, thought it was an enjoyable film with a strong message.
Might I take the time to mention that Will Smith is an excellent actor. He always has been, but honestly, I often forget how good he really is.
Anyways, the story of this film speaks great values to myself. Now, I don't want to ruin the movie for those who haven't seen it; but in short, it's about a man who's wife leaves him when they're in a midst of financial diaster with their 5 year old son. With no money, no job, and no education (more or less), he must fights against all odds to provide for both himself and his child.
The reason this particular movie speaks to me is because it has much which I personally can relate too (soup kitchens; NO money; unable to pay rent, etc) Truthfully, in the last seven years, I've been through more shit than most can imagine. And today, is the revealing (partly, anyways). Both myself and my father have eaten in soup kitchens because there was once no money to feed ourselves; hell, there were even a few times when were close to being homeless (and I mean close).
What to hear something truly horrific? I've gone an entire week without eating anything but a loaf of bread and sugar cubes.
Suffice to say, it's never a pleasant experience (yes, it's happened a few times); nothing can prepare you're body for it. You're becomes body weak and fragile, you're mind absent from reality. It's an experience which immediately changes your outlook on life.What's equally interesting is the reintroduction to food after you've gone a prolonged amount of time without it. 4 some years ago, when I lived in Washington State, I remember after a few weeks of starvation (hardly any food), we finally got some money and wasted no time going to a restaurant to indulge ourselves. We choose to eat at a Mexican restaurant by the name of 'Puerto Vallarta' (a very popular restaurant across the western United States). The food was superb, but neither of us could really eat it; not only had our stomachs considerably shrunk, but our throats (also shruken) burned with intensity. Spices and salsa's don't fair too well with someone who has eaten next to nothing for a couple of weeks.
And the first time you visit a soup kitchen...is quite unlike anything. Having originally come from a wealthy background and having never been subjected to a world of extreme poverty and "you name it", it all doesn't sit too well. It's a demoralizing situation, but eventually, you get used to it. And let me tell you, those peanut butter and jam sandwiches were damn good (no joke).
That's just a sample though - there are things which I dare not talk not about. I've been in situations which I hope no one ever has to go through. Stuff truly unimaginable; especially at the age I was when it happened.
Happiness?
Another point which this movie touches on is happiness, and well, the pursuit of it - hence the title of the film...
It seems like a simple concept; a concept easily fulfilled, but truth be told, it's not.
What is happiness? Is happiness fulfilled by the purchase of a new car or another Ipod? Or is that all momentary satisfaction?
As the movie points out, the line "the pursuit of happiness" comes from a speech which Thomas Jefferson spoke - many moon ago's. What I find interesting about this particular quote is what Will Smith's character in the movie says about the quote; he says something along the lines of "by implying a "pursuit" of happiness, does that mean happiness can never be had?"
I think it's a very important and relevant question. The last seven years of my life have been rather absent of this all-too-luxury item which the human race refers to as "happiness". Make no mistake, I've had many great times over the last couple of years, but the negatives easily outweigh the positives.
Nevertheless, despite the betrayals and constant let-downs I've always tried to keep my image and thoughts on the positive side.
I honestly think my experiences have made me a better person. I'm more caring, more honest, harder working and have learned to take absolutely nothing for granted. Problem is, all of this has ultimately made me an even unhappier individual.
Where Can I Find Happiness?
Happiness exists in a multitude of things - mainly friends, family and love.
Friendship?
Friendship most definitely brings happiness, right? Past experiences have brought serious doubts to this question. Who is a real friend and who is not; who is befriending you merely for their benefit?
I do have a number of individuals which I refer to as friends, but I've also had a number of so called 'friends' which hit the trail when problems arose.
Family?
Rocky subject.. Both my dad's father and mother have long since passed. I was quite young when my Grandad passed away and didn't have much of a chance to know him, but not young enough to remember when my Grandma passed. She was a spectacular person and certainly one of the best I'll ever meet in my life time.
Haven't talked to my mother for a couple of years, but haven't any desire to. I don't hate her by any means, but I think it's safe to say that we don't really 'know' each other all that well.
My dad's brother is cool, but his wife has been a burden. I very much get the impression that she doesn't like us; that's ok though, I don't really like her either.
The only real 'family' I have (aside from my father) is that which is my dad's sister and her husband. I've always enjoyed spending time with the two as they're great people.
Love?
I haven't had a whole lot of time for relationships, certainly not as much as I'd like! My consistent relocating to numerous cities and difficult-to-explain issues haven't helped in securing that many relationships.
Nevertheless, I don't want to give you the impression that I am living in some suicidal world with no hope of anything positives. That's very much untrue!
Thankfully, the last year has been much more 'secure' for both my father and myself. Things have already started to turn in a positive light and I'm confident things will get even better as time progress'. Mind you, I'm not completely forgetting what has happened. I've seen what has looked like something spectacular turn around in a matter of seconds. I'm not 100% sure of much anything anymore and I'll believe I'll continue to be this way for the rest of my life. Not that's it's necessarily a bad thing though, I think it'll help keep me from steering in the wrong direction.
While obvious moments of happiness are brought on by the above mentioned, they're are a number of other things which also make me happy:
-Spending time with my father - one of the only two people I can really trust. We have a relationship which is ultimately stronger than I believe what most other fathers and sons have because of our experiences together.
-Interacting with others and posting on website forums!
-Fulfilling my passion for all-things Kate Beckinsale related. It may seem a little silly, but finding new news or pictures to share on my Blog always provides a great deal excitement.
And lastly music,
You know, music has truly been a saviour for myself. When some listen to music they hear nothing but noise, but I on the other hand, see music as something truly magical. I can't tell you how much music captures my imagination - I can sit somewhere listening to music with my eyes closed and suddenly break into tears. I'm not being dramatic, I just happen to think music is absolutely beautiful. Not all music mind you, just the music I listen to... 
Anyhow..
Those are some of the things which help me strive for a better future. To further help me along I most definitely need to fix my education - which to say the least, has suffered dearly. Might I add, it'd be great to have a girlfriend again. Not for sake of sex or anything like that, but to have someone who further occupies my mind.
Times have been rough for the longest of time. I've been shot down once before to get right back up again and unfortunately, it's a pattern I'm all to familar with. Winning to lose. I'm not ready to give in though and never will - against all odds.
